FANTASTIC!

A figure of speech goes horribly awry... (or insert your own "tie the knot" joke, here) But seriously, Jenna's still alive. She's just resting, kids... now go watch some TV...

Leave it to Tom to start things off with a horrible pun.

And leave it to Tom to start his long-overdue coverage of the Jenna and Jason wedding at 3:30 in the wee hours. (That's midget time)

But seriously, what can really be said about the wedding weekend... the "Matrimonapalooza" as I so awfully dubbed it? It was beautiful. It went completely according-to-plan, and best of all, Renaldo, Jenna's pirate ex-boyfriend did not try to steal her from the altar at the last second, while the priest asked "If anyone present objects to this union, speak now or forever hold their peace." Well, actually, that would have been pretty cool to see Jay clock some pencil-mustache-wearing poof in tights right there in front of all the in-laws...

But, y'know... they didn't even say that whole "object" thing at all... so we seriously gotta bring that back for mine...

...and I should probably choreograph a sword fight for my wedding, too!

I started things off with a frantic waking, thinking I was an hour late, only to find out minutes later in the car (I showered and changed pretty dang quickly) that I was an hour ahead. Turns out, I had accidentally set my clock radio an hour early... so my frantic early-morning preparation was not necessary... but funny in hindsight...

Somehow, I hadn't screwed up yet. Amazing.

When I arrived at the Herlihy's, I expected something out of My Big Fat Greek Wedding, though the twins are neither fat nor Greek... and it wasn't my wedding, it was Jenna's... but I digress. No, I walked into their front room, bag of bagels in hand, to find Jenna and Ally casually sitting while a makeup dude and hairdresser gal calmly went about their business of beautifying. No frantic rushing around... no tears, no death threats...

...was I in the wrong house?

There is a wedding going on, right?

Of course, the Herlihys' penchant for organization and planning made for a very relaxing morning prep. Mr. Herlihy, who had merely gone to bed after the post-wedding rehearsal festivities, a mere five hours earlier, was quite calmly finishing breakfast on the back deck when I got there... and most likely had already gotten in 30 laps at the pool, 2 rounds of doubles tennis, and a half hour at the driving range beforehand that morning. Man, what is his secret?!

Once I had arrived, I was sort of rendered useless, as I had already fulfilled my major mission of the day, which, of course, was to get my tardy tuchus to their house on time. So, I tried to make myself useful by playing den mother and greeting each of the bridesmaids as they arrived... ohh-ing and ahh-ing at their newly done-up hairdos and makeup...

To make up for all this poofiness, I'm probably going to have to go hunting for a month...

...with my bare hands.

The rest of the day, though, was simply perfect. The weather held up it's side of the bargain, as I had previously sacrificed twelve virgin doves in fealty. I tell you, those Aztecs really knew their stuff!

But essentially, the wedding was a gorgeous affair. Good people, good weather, good music... just wonderful. If I have to make any sort of complaint, it's that the bridal party sort of misses out on the cocktail hour... which is arguably the best time of the day for gorging on lots of delicious food and completely abusing the free bar.

Ironically, the only alcohol I had that day was the champagne toast. The rest was soda and water. The reason for this was due to dancing. I've realized over the last couple of years, that the less I drink, the "better" I dance. Not that I'm actually good in any sort of technical sense... but rather, I have more control over myself while sober, and I have more fun on the dance floor in general. Thus, no alcohol.

This teetotalling also scored an unexpected dividend: less drinking = less peeing. And thus, no more awkward stare-downs with those creepy bathroom attendants.

God, I hate those guys.

As it was a day wedding, everything wrapped up at 6 PM, and we hit the road up to Tarrytown for the after-party. The feeling was a bit more subdued, as everyone was clearly exhausted from all the fun and excitement, but we all sort of basked in the afterglow of the beautiful day on the open-air bar at a riverside restaurant... and we also basked in the glow of the lights from the police boats on the Hudson, as there was apparently a jumper on the nearby Tappan Zee bridge... (true story!)

Ally and I were woken fairly early the next day (doesn't anyone but me like to sleep late?!) Because we were in the guest room / computer room of the apartment, everyone was barging in to look at all the newly downloaded digital pics from the day before. It was clear from the sheer volume of pictures, that not a single moment was missed, as there were no less than 6 cameras going off at any time... (I seriously think they could put together a fairly serviceable movie of their wedding using all the pictures in a sort of flipbook dealie) Honestly, every nanosecond of Jenna's walk up the aisle was captured on film. No exaggeration.

We eventually headed up to Peekskill for the annual Gutierrez Pig Roast. And I say it, brother... never have I tasted such a delectable pig. It was sort of endearing to have tiny 70-year-old Cuban ladies circling around the pig roast pit like a herd of salivating, Spanish-speaking coyotes... "Muy Delicioso!"

My only miss-step of the whole affair probably came when I had the brilliant idea to buy a box of cigars for the pig roast on the prior Thursday. Ever hear the phrase, "Don't bring sand to the beach?" Well... don't bring American-purchased cigars to a CUBAN PIG ROAST. What was I thinking?! They went over like a Pizza Hut in Brooklyn.

In my defense, it's not like I bought a bundle of Philly blunts... I bought a box of cigars rated 89 by Cigar Afficionado Magazine ... and by the price alone... they better well be good cigars! So, the one brightside is that we'll have plenty of cigars for the barbecue-softball game in August. Woo-hoo!

But all-in-all, the beauty and happiness of the weekend is only fitting, considering the couple it was all in honor for. Those two deserve all the best... Congratulations, Jenna and Jay.

...and enjoy Hawaii... you lucky so-and-so's!