A Failure I Needed to Suffer

Good thing it wasn't my best...

Worrying about your academic status over a course of days starts to make you rethink your priorities. And worrying has been my tradition since November. I would walk out of a test I didn't feel secure about, start cursing my procrastinations and half-assitude. I would tell myself, "If I just pass this test, things are going to change. I can't keep doing this to myself." But what would happen? I would pass. And nothing would change. I'd go on school break, then return after vacation and sort of sleep walk through the first week or so... always planning to "start cracking down this weekend," or "Okay, Monday I get serious..." And then what would eventually happen would be I would rush through studying in the last two weeks before the exam... and fervently hope I get a passing grade. Pass/Fail sure is a seductive policy... especially for someone who has a bad tendency to procrastinate.

I've gone through these sorts of gut-checks before. I failed bad at Columbia. I wasn't in a proper mental outlook to start competing with highly-motivated ivy league science students. Of course, this was after 23 years of really never having to work too hard to get the grades I wanted. And while I was lucky to be good at school, it was also a weakness... because if you've spent your entire life casually getting what you wanted, actual hard effort is difficult to summon when you need it. This is probably why I never took my art to the next level, because I lacked the fire to do it.

So when I was reeling from my disappointments at Columbia, I surprised myself and tried again, and succeeded. True, I needed a friendlier setting - St. John's... but I did it. I re-took my General Chemistry's over the summer, and completed two courses each in Biology and Organic Chemistry. I then sat for the MCAT and earned a respectable (if not terribly competitive) score of 25. It was enough to get into NYCOM, and here I am. It was satisfying because I knew I had to summon more grit to get it done than I had ever done so before. I approached my studies at NYCOM with likewise zeal, and took the first exam... and passed easily. This, I fear was the beginning of my relapse into lassitude.

I can recall with crystal clarity riding up the escalator at the Source Mall. It was around 11AM on a Wednesday, and I had just completed my first medical school test with little difficulty. I thought to myself, "Hey, that wasn't so bad. What was I so worried about?" And already, subconsciously, I was planning time and effort-cutting study strategies for the next system exam. That next exam, as well as the one after that (right before Christmas) did not leave me with such a satisfied feeling. I passed them both, barely. But I never learned my lesson.

Until now.

I had to stumble because I needed to be reminded that this is not an endeavor that can be completed casually. This education not only will allow me to pass school tests, it will aid me in my ability to treat patients. If I don't learn now... when will I learn? After I, God forbid, hurt someone? Or worse?

So now, I have a chance to redeem myself, this Wednesday is the retest, and I am determined to pass. Afterwards, I'll need to catch up with my classmates in studying for the next exam, falling on the Monday before St. Patrick's Day. And on St. Patrick's Day, I will be able to hoist a drink with satisfaction... because I know I did my very best...

...and kicked Neurological Ass.

So, if you don't hear from me for a while, you'll know why. And in March, the first round's on me.

Feedback Question of the Day:
"Have you ever rebounded from a failure, more determined than ever?

"Why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves up again."

(Yeah, I know... kinda cheesy, but it certainly applies.)