This Time, I'm Serious

Amidst personal turmoil and other fun pre-wedding emotions, I've neglected my poor, oft-lamented Wedded Blitz for far too long. Now, I'm not throwing down the blog gauntlet much like Anskatius, but I am planning on getting this shiznit down. Every member of the bridal party will get their moment in the spotlight. Unfortunately, I have to qualify that declaration by adding that the spotlights may not be as long or as encyclopedic as my previous nuptial "who's who" entries. In showbusiness, they say, "There aren't any small parts, just small actors." Well, in Wedded Blitz, "There are no small wedding-folk... just Tom procrastinating to the last minute... as usual." Okay, that's not as popular a saying... but I'm spreading it around nevertheless... maybe it'll catch on for Louie's future... event. (I'll say no more, but he is hereby required to announce a certain something on his blog other than his love of Dimebag Darrell. All well and good, my hellenistic hombre, but I think it's high time you declare your OTHER love, y'know? And I don't mean "souvlaki.")

Okay? So that's it - fasten the seatbelts chilluns, I'm bloggin'.

Okay, that was fairly gay.

What Are You Callin' an "Epidemic"?

If you don't want to read through this bad-ass republican conservative, Norman Rockwellian rant... skip down the article to Superman... If not, don't say I didn't warn you. Believe me, I can already hear you scoffing from here... but seriously, Official Rush Limbaugh sites and Anne Coulter fanfics aside... I've noticed that the mainstream internet seems to slant a bit towards the political southpaws. Okay, perhaps to put it plainer, the mainstream internet attitude often is "not coinciding with what your's truly thinks." Perhaps I pick and chose my issues... and more than likely, I'm being a bit over-sensitive about this (hey, I'm trying to be as even-handed as I can, here) but I can't help but notice the terminology certain writers published on a certain well-trod e-mail and search-engine provider, Yahoo, uses to describe a fairly benign... and not to mention, typical, annual event. Anti-American Subtext, or Just a Poor Choice of Words? Hey, I may be overthinking this one... but what the hell is this? "Flag Epidemic?!" We do understand what an "epidemic," is, right? Not exactly a term with a positive connotation. Although I'm going a bit hyperlink crazy, here, I figure I'd provide you with dictionary.com's take on the noun known as "epidemic." Just because Americans across the country are all simultaneously displaying red, white, and blue in greater frequency in the days approaching Independence Day (incredible, I know!) I fail to understand how this constitutes "news," or why it would be termed an "epidemic." Semantics aside, the tone of the article makes the whole "phenomenon," out to be some sort of mass hysteria... bleating sheeps emblazoned with patterns of Old Glory. Next thing I'll expect on Yahoo's front page is an in-depth article about an insidious rash of pine tree abductions occuring in the weeks preceding December 25th. The horror! What are those crazy Christians doing now? Oh, can't the rest of the country all be as wise, worldly, and ironic like we are on the blue-state, cosmopolitan internet? Flag waving in July isn't an "epidemic," it's an annual celebration of patriotic pride in our home. We as Americans have no common heritage, no common customs, and no common language... so we take heart from the few symbols that unite us with a common thread, and the most prominent of these is the American Flag. No nation on earth shares such an affinity with their flag. It's not an embarrassment, and certainly not an epidemic... it's what unites a recently naturalized dude from Pakistan and Elmer Smith who can track his geneology back to the Mayflower. They're both Americans. So don't hate on the flag... okay?

Box Office Results - Not Exactly, "Up, Up, and Away."

And since we're on the subject of patriotic skittishness, let's take a moment to consider the new Superman movie. Much has been made in that his famous slogan has gone from, "Standing for Truth, Justice, and the American Way," to "Standing for Truth, Justice,... all that stuff." Gee, the "American Way," was a lot more popular back when everyone was scared of the Soviets taking over. Ah well. I think it's a lame cop-out... because if Supes isn't an apt representation of "the American Way," I don't know what is. He's the strongest in the world, acts quickly and decisively to solve the world's problems, and is resolute in the moral rightness of his actions. For better or worse, that's pretty much how the average American views the world. But anyway... off the soapbox...

First off - It's a great flick. If you haven't seen it yet, I recommend that you do. As long as you are really into Superman and like highly-philosophical super-hero movies with plenty of religious overtones and can handle a major plot departure from the regular comic book continuity. I won't get into what it is, but it's been out for a while, and you really don't have any excuses not to see it. However, I'm willing to put down even money that you've heard at least one local tough, collar proudly-popped, complaining about what a "gay" movie it was, or how it was a waste of two hours. And, loathe as I am to agree with any of their ilk, I can't deny that they have a point. The movie is long, the movie is plodding, and the movie doesn't have a whole lot of action in it. But that's really the problem with Superman in general... the guy is too damn, well, "super." He's super-fast, super-strong, super-invulnerable, can fly, shoot laserbeams, see through walls, and has super cool, minty breath. With the exception of green crystals, nothing can hurt him. Aside from two excellent action sequences (and they absolutely demand to be viewed on the big screen - no joke!), the movie is a lot of character development and pretty imagery. I loved it, but I think the average bub off the street has gotten a bit spoiled over the last couple of years watching Wolverine and Spider-man mixing it up with colorful bad guys over witty banter. Despite Kevin Spacey utterly throwing himself into his role as arch-fiend Lex Luthor... he's really not much of a match for Superman. Thus, Superman Returns, sadly, despite being a clearly lovingly-crafted film, is shaping up to be a financial disappointment, while the X3 still remains the summer's box office champ. Booya.

"But Captain Jack Will Get You High Tonight... "

And to sum this puppy out, I'll mention that I just caught Pirates of the Caribbean 2 the other day. Excellent little flick. Definitely 2-plus hours of cinematic fun... all except the last 5 minutes of the movie, when it takes a major mis-step. Suffice to say, a certain main character completely acts... well, out of their character, resulting in a severely (seemingly) permanent plot development. Yeah, this movie basically just sets us all up for the third one, but I tell you, there will be repurcussions and a certain someone is going to get their comeuppance. American action movies have their own set of rigid moral requirements... and after this particularly uncharacteristic incident, something mighty bad must happen to them in the third one. Mark my words.

To be honest, the last 5 minutes of the movie left kind of a "throw-uppy" taste in your mouth. You're having a great time, watching goofy pirates and witty banter and incredible action sequences, and then all of a sudden, this one main character does something so crappy, you wish Jerry Bruckheimer just cut the movie short with "To Be Continued," instead. It's definitely a deflating sense of afterglow after an otherwise damn fun movie to watch. Tell ya what, guys... if you haven't seen it yet, go see the movie, and then leave just towards the end when Captain Jack Sparrow returns to the Black Pearl and shoots the kraken. Just leave. Because if you sit for the last five minutes, I promise you, you're going to walk out of the theater with an expression on your face, like you just saw Tom Hanks appear out of nowhere and punch your grandma in the mouth. It's just that disquieting. You're not even excited about the next sequel, you're just looking forward to a certain character getting what they deserve.

Okay... stay tuned in Wedded Blitz for the next three weeks. It's gonna be lively.