The Crimmins Weight-Loss Plan Can Work For You!

Booya! Back in June of '98, Katie and Tom own their attitude by displaying the highly-treacherous "Three Finger Point" Pose. (The cameraman recovered at Mercy Hospital a week later)

A week ago, last Sunday, this battered and broken shell of a man tipped the scales at a whopping 239 lbs... a grotesque mockery of manhood that cowered with his facade of fatness in obese obscurity.

Today, on Sunday... this sleek, sexy beast weighs a mere 234 lbs.

I lost 5 pounds, baby!

Okay, I admit I have a long way to go... but I really am happy to start shaping up. After all, I believe it is an old African saying, "The longest journey begins with but a final step, and chubby mojumbo must stop eatting banana chips every night if he wants to fit into his dashiki."

We can learn a lot from that.

Last week, I stood on The Evil Scale at work. This computerized weight watcher is cruelly accurate, and has the ruthless audacity to actually report your poundage correctly. Not like The Good Scale at home. This gentle device very considerately grandfathered my weight back in 2001, when I weighed 225. And according to The Good Scale, whenever I stand on it, I still weigh 225. Yes... whenever I'm on The Good Scale... or the moon... I weigh 225.

I stood on The Evil Scale and it gave me a number: 239 lbs. I quickly changed the settings to kilograms, and it made me feel a bit better. But unfortunately, I knew the grim reality of my (mass)x(gravitational constant) and nothing could change that... so I swore then and there that I would lose 5 pounds by the next Sunday.

And somehow, I actually did it!

My grand plan to weight loss (and, more importantly, fitness) was three-fold:
1) Eat small meals every 3 hours until dinner. Chiefly, I had to start eating breakfast (according to Men's Health magazine, the average adult male's metabolism decreases by at least 5% if he doesn't eat breakfast, and can gain at least 15 pounds a year just by missing breakfast every morning!) Then, every 2-3 hours, I would have a small meal, like a yogurt or something. Yogurts are important, because as a dairy food, it facilitates fat-burning in the body (thanks again to Men's Health!) I tried to avoid candy and desserts and over-indulging in a lot of starchy foods. I also started packing my own meals for work, so I wouldn't be tempted to get take-out. A typical day is cereal for breakfast, a yogurt 3 hours later, a sandwich, another yogurt 3 hours later, and a small dinner. The constant, though sparing, meals keep your metabolism going, burning more calories consistently throughout the day.

2) Get at least 7 hours of sleep nightly. Your body uses the time you sleep to recalibrate your body and put it into a healthful state that allows for weight-loss and muscle building. Lack of sleep depresses your metabolism and muscle synthesis... and basically isn't healthy at all.

3) Work out. Over the past week, I've worked out 6 times. I've left one day to let my old bones and joints a little time to recover. I've started jogging again, and I'm actually up to 3-and-a-half miles a day. I lift weights and do stomach exercises every-other day. Weight-lifting is very important for fitness, as it promotes a healthier physique and a secret weapon for weight loss. (More muscle = more fat-burning) Basically, the more muscle you have on your body, the more calories you're burning every second!

Geeze... when did this become a fitness article?

I guess I'm just excited that my discipline is starting to pay off. I'm going to try to be just as good this upcoming week, and hopefully, I'll drop another 5 pounds. If I keep this pace, I'll lose the total 20 pounds I've been gunning for, just in time for Jenna and Jay's wedding. I gotta make sure I look good for the pictures! I don't want Jenna and Jay going through the pictures with their kids some day, saying, "And here's a picture of Uncle Tom... he was a bit chubby back then... and it looks like he just stole the serving tray from the caterer... oh right, that was the night he spent in jail... Hey! You know what, kids? Let's play Clue instead!"

Now that I've been all dopey and declarative about this, I can't turn back. I have to stick with my newfound discipline and not give in to (too much) temptation. And I have another trick to keep my eyes on the 20 pound prize. An incentive too good to pass up...

GLUTTONY!

Yeah, I'm going to make pigging out my prize for behaving myself and exercizing. One of my co-workers, Dan, told me of a mythical place out in Suffolk County on Sunrise Highway. A legendary land called "Howard's Cafe." A place that makes delectable hamburgers and a delicious deal: All the beer, wine, and soda you can drink while you eat the hamburgers.

Buh? Say again? Let me get this straight: We buy your hamburgers, which according to Dan, are awesome, big McHale's-esque affairs, and, while dining at your establishment, we can have all the beer, wine, or soda we can drink, included?

Is this the promised land? My friends, I think it is.

So, here's the deal: If I lose the aforementioned 20 pounds in time for Jenna and Jay's wedding, July 2nd, that is, I'll weigh 219 or better, we're going to Howard's Cafe to celebrate.

Who's with me?

Feedback Question of the Day:
"Did you ever set out to improve an aspect of yourself? How did you do it? And did you succeed?"