Pandemonium Ensues on Sesame Street. Holding aloft "The Horns," a group of wide-eyed young lads are full of hope and promise... and utterly empty of any sort of street cred. Seriously. Give it up, fellas.

Okay, you know what? I have to get something off my chest.

The Devil Horns? We're taking them back.

Party's over, kiddies. It's time for adult swim.

It lately has occured to me how the once "scary" gestures of "the horns" has been essentially co-opted into a bland sign of MTV-approved, committe-formed, conformist "rebellion." Be a unique, radical metal-head! ...just like everyone else!

Maybe I'm just a crusty-ol' 26-year-old who's lately wandered into a Hot Topic store, or has been forced to view a cable program hosted by "Metal Mistress" Juliya, or simply have been in far too much contact with the dull-eyed youth of today that have essentially been accosting all the treasured fashions, music, and various social graces of our heyday... we, the children of the '80's... the so-called "Generation X."

If we're Generation X, specifically anyone born between 1975-1985, then that makes these new batch of kids, the poor unfortunates that came later, "Generation Y Bother."

Because, let's face it: they got nothing. The greatest cartoons, toys, and music came out during our youth. We had Star Wars, GI Joe, He-Man, Transformers, and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. By the time Power Rangers came out, we were embarrassed out of childhood, because Power Rangers were, still are, and forever will be the gayest things to ever come from Japan since... uh, lavender gay chopsticks, carved in the shape of naked Grecian swimmers wearing tutus. Since then, all major toys have been movie tie-ins or '80's remakes.

Nothing new has been invented.

Really. Think about it: What major toyline, even vaguely comparable to the above-mentioned came out after 1990? Having trouble? It's because there never was one. After that, it was just tamagotchis and pogs. And what's on the toy shelves, now? Uh... Star Wars, GI Joe, He-Man, Transformers, and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

And since creativity wasn't important anymore, everything then got imported from Japan. Saturday morning and afternoon cartoon lineups these days are absolutely atrocious.

But, making fun of the after-'85 generation is like booing at the Special Olympics... so I'll get back to my original gripe: The co-opting, and eventual-nullifying of "the horns."

At one time, rock stars didn't put up "the horns" in pictures. No self-respecting rock stars, anyway... (except for Dio and Judas Priest) Aside from them, all the rock gods and metalheads flipped the bird. They put up "The Finger." Why? Because they're bad-ass and don't give a shit. And it was, and still is, a shocking gesture. You certainly couldn't get away with showing the middle finger on basic cable or a reality show. The finger is a symbol of irreverance and defiance. It was and forever shall be synonymous with rock and roll.

Along came The Horns. They were more obscure, more underground, and seemingly more controversial. Anecdotal wisdom holds that the sign originated with Ronnie James Dio, who got the idea from his Old-World relative who made the ancient symbol, ironically, to ward off the devil. But because Dio was a rock god, he decided to make that his own symbol, in celebration of heavy metal and all it's diabolical symbolism. The Horns thus became a secondary symbol of all things metal. More importantly, only heavy metal fans ever used this gesture.

Fast forward to today, and The Horns have become a marketing gimmick. Today's pale excuse for celebrities, zeroes like Ashton Kutcher, Justin Timberlake, and Sum 41 have championed the "metal monniker," into some sort of instant street-cred... like, "Check me out, I'm so unconventional and hardcore, I'm going to make this vaguely alarming gesture in public! I'm totally into old-school metal! I'm a hip and happening, dude!" And yes, I blame Drew Barrymore and Cameron Diaz, too. Walking on stage at the MTV Movie Awards torn-up AC-DC shirts, putting up The Horns, and suddenly, they're not mega-rich movie star celebrities... they're bad-ass rockers! Right?

Uh, no.

I mean, it's obvious that there is absolutely no one that even remotely qualifies as a "Rock God," anymore. The aforementioned Sum 41, with even their johnny-come-lately metal-esque riffs are also Canadian... and thus, lame. Everyone else is either an angst-wrought wuss or some scruffy goofball who looks like one of the mooks who come by to ask my sisters out for dates. These are the rock stars? Where's their Rob Zombie? Where's their Bruce Dickinson? Where's their Jon Davis? or James Hetfield? (you just knew I'd throw him in, didn't you?!)

Let's compare the top rock bands from the class of '97 to the class of '05:

Class of '97: Rage Against the Machine, KoRn, Alice in Chains, Nirvana, Nine Inch Nails, White Zombie, Stone Temple Pilots, Soundgarden, Metallica, Guns N Roses...

Class of '05: Blink 182, Sum 41, Hoobastank, My Chemical Romance, Taking Back Sunday, The Strokes, and Bowling for Soup

Sorta makes you feel a bit sorry for them, doesn't it?

Suddenly you understand why the kids of today are so obsessed with the past... why they go out, grow their hair to 1979-standards, and buy pre-aged t-shirts of bands that are 25 years old, pre-worn denim jackets, and pre-hill-billied trucker hats. You can't blame them for realizing we were the awesomest.

You gotta give them credit for that, at least.

But, us oldsters oughtta keep some things sacred, so I am officially putting my foot down on all this devil horn nonsense. In order to protest the systematic rendering of The Horns into a meaningless and toothless gesture, I shall not make it again, until such time as I feel it is no longer the mainstream, corporate, wannabee hipster gang-sign of the attention-craving celebritiy whores and slack-jawed teenagers. From now on, if I wanna be hardcore, rock'n'roll...

...I'm gonna give you the finger.


And seriously, what's the deal with those pink polo shirts? Really.


Random Query of the Hour: And for that matter... what is the honkin' big deal about Coldplay? Honestly, now... WHAT?


Feedback Question of the Day:
"What was old is new again. What fashion or trend would you love to see come back? And, conversely, what trend or fashion are you most upset to see rear it's day-glo, New Wave head again?"